Something is Wrong.

I'm not like normal girls. First of all I don't often get along with any females nor males. I feel strange feelings towards everyone and everything. I often stare at everyone assuming once they stop talking I'm supposed to kiss them bye. Most people associate this as me being a harlet. Seeing as this occurs no matter who the person is nor how much I despise them. I just know this isn't normal and I'm thankful I know better than to kiss everyone goodbye. This is one of my more humorous traits. Or one of the only. Another one is how I'd do anything to be covered in bruises. Even if how they got there is of a more serious matter I should deal with I ignore the pain for as long as I can and i just indulge in these markings that show someone or fate really let me have it. Almost as though I associate them as being what I deserve. At night I have to take 6-8 extra strength sleeping pills before I can even feel drowsy, I'm on such high alert at night because I'm afraid of who's in my room and how close they get to me. I feel them watching me and the idea of their hands clenching to the side of my bed has already made me subconsciously sleep as far from the edge as possible. I don't like when people I see touch me. I especially don't like when things I can't always see touch me. The idea of their hands tearing through my bed and grabbing onto me and clenching to my arms and face and neck and legs. Making me unable to move nor scream or fight. But yet the idea that they'd go for my throat brings me to another strange trait of mine. My interest in suffocation and drowning. The fact that neither of these repulse me nor scare me. I'm greatly intrigued rather. I've drown at least 3 times in my life and remember most of it's sensations. Especially a brief moment of bliss as I sat watching others pass by. I felt invisible. If they did see me why didn't they try to save me? Perhaps all bystanders are too intrigued by allowing another to die infront of them just to know what it's like. Anyways I feel that the cause of these traits did not just occur. Nature vs. Nurture. I do not believe that one day my little self decided I'd debate whether to embrace one in tender arms  or hurt them and with only one do I still feel alive these days. I was not born to be likely to get shot down by police. But I'm sure if you talked to me about my family we could find a better reason.

She Says Goodbye.

In all honesty I can tell you my name, but if you ask me to talk about who I really am that's where things get sticky. I can't let alone talk about things I like about me because everything I like seems to have a counteraction that makes me want it to be someone else's. That's where she came from. Taking all of me that I like and separating it from myself to form someone else. If you were to meet her you'd think she was phenomenal. She's gorgeous and so brilliant she's almost mythical. But to me she's very much real. For all that nonsense that I hate about me the fragile pieces and the loose strings and amnesia. That stayed. For all that she is good she is just as bad. If not worse. Almost as though she stole my life from my body leaving this hollow person to roam the world. But of course that is not enough. She wants me dead more so than any girl who hates me. More so than any life i've touched. If anyone dares to beg to differ they should meet her. Of course they will, she hates competition. Not out of fear of losing but more so the annoyance it casts. If you were to have met me before things went wrong and before I lost it all you'd realize I'm nothing like what you would have thought. There's a subconscious tone of mine that tries to build walls and pretend I'm normal, I'm fine, you could even say strong. But once those walls fall down and the darkness drains all strength, the lime light shows that I'm scared, lost and built with glass bones. Within those walls is a divine person a virgin to life. But yet she's living in a place where darkness oozes through the seams. She is trapped within her own fortress and in due time she will die. Then there will be nothing left of me. Not even my other half would survive without her light.

I'm just notifying anyone out there that this is a sign that we're dying.

Iam

I am this little creature that hangs off your every word, the one you claim to love but throw aside as if it never existed. You claim to do what's best for me by leaving me alone. You do not have the part of me that is made of stone. You hold the infancy of me, the unexposed youth of me that I boarded off from the world. Rather than seeing this as a chance to change what the world has done to me, you leave me. On the ground in the mud. As I lay there I cannot move I am but an infant who was never taught to walk. I strive to stand and move along on my own. But here I am in the mud waiting for someone to come along, someone I can hold onto until my legs strengthen and I can stand alone. But no one will come, because of what you've made me. I am no longer a temptation to others but a disease they want to rid of. Awaiting my time before those in the white jackets come to rid of me I hope you stop taking pity in yourself and acting in such selfish ways. Someone still loves you, but unfortunately you will never love them in return.

The Walk

I cut across thirteen times before having to go down three separate times. Sometimes when I walk alone I feel dirty, I imagine that I'm the biggest slut to ever exist. I feel my music is my soundtrack to my own so called life, and to be honest I imagine myself as a television program. Because my life is just that eventful. I hate when I try to fool others. A mass amount of people still can find what I try to hide. I don't want to talk to them any longer. I want to just act around them. Completely make them believe it's all hunky dory. I wish everything just drifted away from me like smoke and that it was that easy. I wish that pain didn't take revenge in time. I wish there was a pre-written book about my life. Telling me it all. Who will love me, what i'll be, where i'll be and what all I will see.

Things get really hard though, and I always feel alone. And those who I want to be there for me I either feel I'm trying to impress them, or hide myself from them. I think so much and so hard on everything that I just hate everything. I hate the idea that perhaps one day they'll replace me.

But for now I'm going down and cutting across and drawing these pathetic hearts on my arms.

3D and Courses

Because also in my next art semester I have 3D I feel obligated to use it as an excuse to make this. Or a few of these. I wish my school had a jewelry making course. But I'm quite excited for 3D, though a teacher I dislike may be teaching it.

I've gotten this idea that for year 12 I shall take Media, Journalism, AP1 English (a University leveled course), Multi-Credit Art, and Creative Writing. While Possibly taking an online History course (or two).

Then I shall do a Victory Lap and in which I shall take: Fashion, Hairstyling and Aesthetics, Business/Marketing (I want to have a shop one day, so this may be needed), Parenting, Food and Nutrition, Apparel and Textile Design, and another Fashion course IF POSSIBLE.

And I'm considering doing another year to take what is known as "Specials" generally I'd be studying/mastering in two areas of my choice. My choice would consist of either Drawing, Textiles, Printmaking or Painting. Those I really happen to love.

Clearly I love learning seeing as I didn't give myself any "spares." Oh well.

I Need It

I wish to have grey hair and a star mask please. I feel I could make it work somehow, maybe incorporate it into the wave I had planned? I really like this, perhaps far too much. But I surely really like this. Running it past my mum may turn to her and I in an fist fight, but I may just save up for it myself. I think personally that if I had this colour I'd look well more matured. Plus it's not like I haven't been drawing myself as a blond a lot recently in my drawing class. I just felt it kind of well.. fit.
Plus grey hair and smokey eyes and some crazy colour of lime crime lipstick would be most stellar.

I'd probably die my eyebrows black and i bet taking care of my roots would be a pain. But oh well a well needed investment I say.

Seeing as I'm not entirely fond of my face I too see that as an investment. So I need to Lime Crime my face, and actually think what I should do with my appearance.

This Isn't Entirely A Verbal Post

This has to do with Lime Crime, and my obsession. I'm soo obsessed I know in order for me to get some I need to have 23$ on my paypal account. For 1 lipstick. WELL WORTH IT THOUGH! And here's why...