Speak No Silence

I've heard stories of things I have said according to the grape vine. Unfortunately these stories are exactly what the grape vine always holds, twisted stories started by liars. The thing is the grape vine is why I don't talk to anyone anymore. What is the point of telling someone something if all their going to do is tell people your secrets but twisted and cruel and making me into this person I'm not. I'm not that person, I never will be, I never was. The world I can't trust, well more so humanity. This sucks.

I Don't Like

Is there a high that can fix this? I feel I'm in an arms race with strangers, and last I checked they're winning. Should I fight to the end? Should I just put up my white flag and just surrender? I say it's worth fighting for, but I don't like the way they talk to each other.

I'm Barely Hanging On

I'm not sure anymore. I'm really just not sure.
The chances are slim, but my paranoia tells me that all these other scenarios are more likely.
I feel like this was all brought on by the words of my best friend who I'll never let go of. The thing is he was the person who was telling me that nothings as bad as it seems. Then himself said to me that the afterlife sounds a lot better to him than anything right now. He wants love but would rather die apparently.
How can he give up so easily while I'm already barely hanging on?

The Idea Of Bixley

So I plan to go behind my parents backs and do many selfish things. I believe before I get deep into this I feel you deserve a back story or a summary to it.
Back Story Summary:
My dog Franny passed in the winter of 2007 and in the winter my father and sister decided to go get a white boxer puppy I named Pete. My mum didn't approve of this cause she was there when we got Franny. We had two kittens prior and she didn't like them until they passed. But then my mum bought Lucy and she loves Lucy, probably cause she bought her. My mum hates all that my dad does for us. We have Pete because 1- My dad was lonely, hes a farm boy and always had a dog in his life. 2- Maggie wanted a boxer (originally it was a bulldog) to be her rad little baby. 3- I felt when home alone unprotected and very lonely. Maggie always got her pets when she asked. Lucy and Pete are Maggie's babies. My cat was Rascal and he was my baby and he choose me, my family wasn't fond of him but my dad liked how he was a hunter. Rascal was killed and my mum choose to tell me he didn't like me anymore and ran away, 6 months later my sister felt it was time for me to know. In general, my sister has a heart, my dad does it's just masculine, and my mum is cold. NEITHER of my parents want another pet.

THIS is where I become selfish. Though we still have Lucy she lives outside and she does not fully like me, nor is she ever around. And though Pete is still growing in this house. They are not my pets. They were not my ideas.

I love them both don't get me wrong. But i'm more of a cat person, dogs are too too eager to please. Cats are  more independent. But Lucy was raised to hate me, and Pete acts like I'm his sister.

The plan is quite thought out to this point. I plan to go with my older friend to the breeders of Britania Bunnies and adopt Bixley. I have been talking to the owner for ages now. I also prior to Bixley's arrival need to get a new lock for my door with a key only I shall have a copy to. New curtains that allow a natural light in. I need to bunny proof my room, get heat lamps just in case. My room is not warm enough. I want this bunny to be like my baby, though humanizing animals is horrible. Anyways I plan to obtain this glorious little boy, and love him and raise him and have him as MINE.
MY baby,
MY bunny,
MY lil Bixley.

Eyes Wide Shut

Hey it's nice to know you found AmericanApparel, Urban Outfitters/Planet/Behavior, and all those smelly thrift stores. But hey I grew up with you, and will remember all those fazes you have gone through to get here. Cause when the next style comes in this proclaimed lifestyle of your's will change.
I've been watching you and I know what you once were.
What your dreams were,
Your goals in life.
That has all now changed because apparently you found the real world.
Here's some advice baby; Because your heart has been hurt, now dress like the women in magazines, resemble a skeleton and are nearing 18 does not mean you've found reality.
Cause the truth is: It was never love, fashion always changes, an eating disorder is an ACTUAL MENTAL DISEASE, and being 18 doesn't mean sh!t.

Kill Your Middle-Class Indecision

I never truly celebrated Christmas for the feeling of coming together with family and being happy. Sure here and there and a lot with in the past few years we have actually rekindled old fires that tied us together, and the social networking did help us communicate better. But I do feel this season is selfish, children and people want gifts. They want a lot of gifts. Hearing about my 3 year old second cousin got all these great gifts i could have never imagined at her age and then her being upset because she didn't get a piano, she is three and i see that as an excuse to her actions. BUT it's when the spoiled kids who are older then me get enough gifts to entertain me for the rest of my life and they still don't appreciate what they've got.
Gifts their parents KNEW they wanted.
Gifts their parents knew they'd LIKE.
And all they want is MORE.
If I were their parents I'd give them what they deserve, a piece of coal. Symbolically telling them they have been a brat, but also something for me to get an idea of where their mind sits.
Will they kick the coal? Does this make them aggressive? Or are they destined to play football?
Will they throw the coal? Will they throw stones at windows next? Making abandoned buildings unique and attempting to establish a known angst?
Would they ever realize that you can draw with coal? Will they become an artist? A crafter? Will they be unique?
I always saw Christmas as a life lesson, nearly being killed; realizing my parents don't know me at all threw their gifts; and realizing the world just isn't fair.
I learned this at a young age,
I got a incredible gift through a horrible procedure,
My life;
My family
They gave me a backbone.
Showed me the real world,
Stripped me of that artificial taste the media force feeds us these days.
Made me aware that in this world in order for me to survive I gotta do everything by myself,
Cause that way I'll know and ALWAYS remember where I came from.

Moustache Agrees

It's well past the time you were due home. My heads giving in, my mouth is going sour, I feel lost. Where are you babe? I miss you!

The Lonely Crowd

On est seul aussi chez les hommes', dit le serpent.

                                                                                -Le petit prince, le serpent

Beautiful Fool

VOUS ETES BELLES, MAIS VOUS ETES VIDES..... ON NE PEUT PAS MOURIR POUR VOUS!!!

The Forever Mark

I still plan to get a sparrow or swallow on my wrist. You know where I will die and what those birds do to those who have passed. You do realize I want to remember you forever. You're my bestfriend and I miss you.

The Little Prince's Elephants

Les enfants seuls savent ce qu'ils cherchent. (Only children know what they are looking for)
                                                                                                                                  -The Little Prince

It's A Me Mario

Your Never Too Old To Be A Little Italian Man Who Plays Around In Pipes

The Ace Of Spades

Any girl has guts to put up a picture that reveals herself in an artistic way. But I will still ridicule those who put up pictures intending to get guys hard.

Nobody Move Nobody Get Hurt

Our song <3 (But I have no ownership)

The day, you move, I'm probably gonna explode
It's true, I'm probably gonna explo-oh-oh-oh-oooh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-ooh
You'll pray, for proof, I'm probably makin' this up
It's true, I'm probably makin' this u-uh-uh-uh-ooh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-ooh
Because...

My body is your body
I won't tell anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
My body is your body
I won't tell anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
Go for it, yeah

If no-one moves, then nobody's gonna get hurt
Don't move, 'cause nobody wants to get hu-uh-uh-uh-ooh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-ooh
We'll pray, for proof, I'm probably makin' this up
It's true, I'm probably makin' this u-uh-uh-uh-ooh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-ooh
Because...

My body is your body
I won't tell anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
My body is your body
I won't tell anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
Go for it, yeah

Because...

My body is your body
I won't tell anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
My body is your body
I'm not just anybody
If you wanna use my body
Go for it, yeah
Go for it, yeah 

-Nobody Move Nobody Get Hurt by We Are Scientists

I'm Sorry I'm Real

 

From the moment you told me half of what I did wrong, Ive been working on keeping me me but bringing her into reality and to someone who'd never hurt you again. I'm hoping to make as much as my time before my execution shot.

Free At Last

I can't wait to be this. Able to walk around in MY house topless. With even more tattoos as is. Thinned out and rocking shorts as short as I want them to be. Getting whoever I want to sleep in my bed with me. I can't wait to be free in this country.

I've Given You My All

To my knowledge I've given you everything I have. My memories, my thoughts, and I've let you in. So just sit back and relax as I work my ass off while I try to keep you from floating away. So far I just plan to tie you to my bed frame so I can wake up everyday and see you beside me.

The Young Grown Ups

Don't mind if I act childish, I was stripped of my childhood and I make mistakes I don't know how to fix. If were both childish we'll have to call in a referee to calm us.

I hope you keep trying to bring back my childhood, though it seems to be literally falling off me.

This Sh!t Gets Old

I wish the winter were hot, and that the snow was water. I wish I could wear tees and thin tops and shorts and my thigh high socks.
I wish I could take an inflatable mattress and float around my lawn.
I wish I could go outside without fearing I will freeze to death in a matter of seconds.
I wish I weren't in school so I could camp out near his house,
Take the LTC where ever I want,
Get off at random stops and never worry that soon I'd be more lost, cold and dieing then I already was.
I wish I could create my own season, my own month.

Death To Novemeber!

It was bad and I was dumb, there are things I said that I regret saying. You may not even remember a majority of them but ...oh .... I do. I hold grudges remember, and the most of them I hold upon myself. I can be such a fool. I'm sorry I took you for granted like I did.

HELLo

I don't like how cruel your book speaks of me, of us all. Why does it feel it is obligated to tell me what to do, how to speak and where I'm going in the end. How can you tell us to not judge if you are judging all along? HOW CONTRADICTFUL!!!!!!!

Do You Need Anybody?

I get by with a little help from my friends...
                                                                              this would be more so true if my friends were the beatles,
                                                 or music in general.
What get's me through it all?

"What do I do when my love is away.

(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends"

That should sum it up. The beatles always seemed to know how to sum it all up.

I've Past 50 11 ago

So this being my 62nd post I thought I'd take notice to how I have reached and passed my 50 post mark, I'm not limiting myself (and I hope this site doesn't either). I just kinda took that as a friendly surprise. I find it weird that I'm not the only one who goes on here, sure I don't read my own posts but I go on here to create more and to go through my picture choices. But I actually have people reading this, it's sort of surreal. I plan to keep my blog so one day I may want to look back and see what I was like in 2010. I want to reflect on my writing, my state of mind.

This is like my safe place, it makes me happy. It eases things off my mind, it cures me. So I usually don't go around telling everyone I see about it. Mainly cause if those who hated me were to find this they may abuse it as much as they do me.

Those who don't like me wont read this and sympathize, they'd read it to find my weaknesses. They'd turn it all against me.

You see I have worst case scenario.... also known as paranoia and anxiety.

Adorkable

We'll at least I think we're perfect for one another.

My Wittle Angel

I clearly can't get you off my mind today, I'm so glad I have you because Nobody Could Ever Replace You. <3

Sound That Cares

Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves
                                                                                                          -The Duchess of Wonderland

I am I am I am Not Me

I cant explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I am not myself you see.
                                                                                                                 -The Proper Alice from Wonderland

Do Us All A Favor And Stop Kidding Yourself

You used to be there when I needed your word, something from a friend to get me through the night. When no one was on when no one was there I knew you would. But apparently things change, and your feelings grew too strong. So what do you do? You cut me out. Tell me that I've hurt you enough and don't understand. How could you say your feelings were solid when the next time we spoke you told me to don't wait up. I don't know what I did to you but I'm sorry. But with your absence and actions I feel I'm finally moving on. If you choose to come back like you did before, If you've changed your opinion once again. I doubt I can guarantee I'll look at you the same way again. You've hurt me enough and this girl holds a grudge.

Jealousy Is A Strong B!tch

She looks like the type who'd piss me off, but I love her hair!

Gimme a Grin

I do even if you don't,
i hate when people who's teeth are all crooked, twisted and broken
Hide them from me.
If anything I hate those teeth that are bright as hospital lights, straight and perfect.
I don't want perfect I want a story!

Too Young

If I'm so empty why I am I still breaking at the seems?

God Save The Queen

No I'm not talking Sex Pistols nor the National Anthem, I really just had the Arctic Monkeys on my mind and felt a title is a title.

Anyways here's my favorite AM song; (I don't hold ownership of course).

(Also for those who don't know "I bet you look good on the dancefloor" means I bet your good in bed)

Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks
Or knackered Converse
Or tracky bottoms tucked in socks
But all of that's what the point is not
The point's that there ain't no romance around there
And there's the truth that they can't see
They'd probably like to throw a punch at me
And if you could only see them, then you would agree
Agree that there ain't no romance around there

You know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell 'em if you like
We'll tell 'em all tonight
They'll never listen
Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

And over there there's broken bones
There's only music, so that there's new ringtones
And it don't take no Sherlock Holmes
To see it's a little different around here

Don't get me wrong, oh there's boys in bands
And kids who like to scrap with pool cues in their hands
And just cause he's had a couple of cans
He thinks it's alright to act like a dickhead

Don't you know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell em if you like
We'll tell em all tonight
They'll never listen
Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

But I said
No! Oh no!
Well you won't get me to go!
Not anywhere, not anywhere
No I won't go
Oh no no!

Well over there there's friends of mine
What can I say, I've known 'em for a long long time
And yeah they might overstep the line
But I just cannot get angry in the same way
Not, not in the same way
Not in the same way
Oh no, oh no no 

- Lyrics from A Certain Romance by The Arctic Monkeys

The Words of The Weak

I'm not afraid of hitting the ground,
I hate the heights and I hate the fall.
But once I'm down, they all run to the scene
No one seems to want to help me.
The circle me and in their violent ways
Beat me for all I am and show me what I'm really worth.
This world sees an opening and loves when push comes to shove.
How can you say you want peace when your crushing my love?
How can you flaunt that symbol without staying true to the meaning?
I clench my fists and stand up,
holding his ring I scream 'All You Need Is Love.'
They fall beneath me crumbling like a wall.
I feel the power
I feel the love.

Never Never Land

For all those days I spend at home, 

Very ill and all alone.

I usually can't sleep and can't stay in bed.

So I casually sit and rest for a sec.

I wait watching the screen,
For the arrival of the time where you'll be home.
The idea of talking to you fills my heart, 

I get off my feet
And float around the room.
Like Wendy to Peter Pan,

you are my happy thought. 

A Vampire's Spit

As if they know I stayed home today, but after realizing my absence from school I'm sure their words will become sharp and cruel.
Even if I were to tell them of why  I stayed the chance of them believing me is unlikely.
Though they tell me I will be the first person in Modern North America to die of a common cold they just don't understand.
My immune system is weak,
My diet is limited for my stomach rejects the most I eat,
My mental health is on the break if not broken.
I can see myself dieing of a common cold.
I don't know where it comes from, the illness may have just always been there.
.....
You'd think the amount of doctors who call me would cause my body concern,
But however it doesn't bother me
For this is a common occurrence.

We're Under The Sheets And It's Killing Me

This is not the reason I stay, nor why I invite you over. Though you may feel like the key that finally fit right and tight. This is not love, nor love in motion. Though when a fuck gains proper lust and becomes sex and sex mixes in emotions and hearts that vulgar fuck becomes making love. And love is love and love is all we want.

Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Because He's Mine

People constantly tell me that I can do better, and they tell him the same.
People constantly try to separate us in hope that they will gain.
I've heard the stories they've all said to him about me,
And I'm tired of the guys who aim to tell me he's a whore.
But for all the things between me and him that they weren't there for
For all those nights and days we just spent talking,
Creating inside jokes,
Creating secret code names that even we don't remember,
Bonding through things we never told anyone before.
The same very things we never felt comfortable to tell anyone else before.
For all our firsts,
And for all our lasts.
To the future,
And from the past.
I'm not going to sit here and listen to anyone else.
I love my little angel,
and that is that!

A Child's Book

From her beginning she knew things weren't right. She saw how other families were, she wasn't dumb but she was naive. Perhaps the other families are just like her own. Put on the perfect act in public but are a war behind doors. She learned from her youth the dangers of speaking, what good can your mouth do if you cannot control other's reactions. It became apparent that she was not like the rest. Other children her age spoke of how much they love their family and all the things they do together. Whereas her parents took opposing shifts because they couldn't afford to hire someone to watch her and her temperamental older sister. Until one day a local girl offered her service for a fair price, she worked at the local corner store and volunteered at the community center, she was not applying for the money she was applying for the good karma. She had met the girls before, for the oldest loved to read and wanted to go to the library to take out books. The youngest however was just fascinated by the people. The babysitter noticed the young girl's big blue eyes and how they moved around the room. She noticed how she could not smile and knew this little girl had more secrets then the world knew it could ever contain. As she bent down to the child she asked her what she was watching, the little girl did not speak. She asked her if she could write it down, but she was too young to write. She asked if she could draw a picture to explain, she took out a pencil case filled with all sorts of markers and crayons and the child's eyes lit up. She hurried along on her drawing and soon enough it was made clear. The little girl's eyes were so bright and amused by those around her for they were like the tv, but real. She liked to listen, she liked to observe. She became more aware of characters then any of those who had read the most of their life. The little girl then swept away by an older woman who picked her up and sat her at the child's table and told her she'd read her a book on princesses. The child protested as a mime would and ran to the babysitters leg and held it. Her arms did not latch on because she told them to, her arms held her leg in need of her help. She had never felt understood by anyone else prior. Not her mother nor father or elder sister could understand the ways her mind worked. The babysitter took it on as her own duty to open this child like her inner book she had locked and hidden away.

ANTHEM ANTHEM ANTHEM

I'm a part of BMTH's E-team sooo i can advertise for them :)
http://www.visiblenoise.com/b.php?t=16&m=1870

I Beg Your Pardon

Pardon thy lips for they do injustice to thou speech of mind,
Pardon thy past for it bears the pain that would do you in,
Pardon the doubt that be seen in my eyes when you utter "i love you."
For you do not truly know of love. For you do not and could not love me like I love you.
So pardon thee though you must understand, this is not sorrow but justice of thy breath.
Let me gorge in my love for you. For if the day were to come where we both can equally feel the same. The one of us would be sure to die, and come the pain to speak the other's name.

What Would He Do?

I felt that I was aware. I thought that I was more awake to the world then anyone else. But then I started to get confused. Did I really say that? Did that really happen? Am I really here? Soon enough I realized that though I feel of all people I'm more down to earth then anyone else I know, I am also the one who is most out of this world. I can't catch my mouth from saying things I don't mean if I can't even tell that I am awake or not. In my dreams I can convince the person I am when awake of events that never happened. Are my dreams truly this real? Or is life just fake? I cannot tell at all, and I am glad I have friends who understand. If I even consider treatment seeing as I am known as a basket case as is and live without treatment and feel mentally more down to earth then most. Does that mean if I go to therapy and get treated for reality identity crisis will I truly be a basket case and no longer obtain some greater knowledge of the world? Are all those who are mad truly the best? I fear how people I once had a strong love for are but memories, memories I don't recall as fondly as I used to. This may sound like a story, a lot of films about this sort of thing have come out recently, I haven't seen a majority of them. But however when I do speak of my problems people refer me to the plot lines of these films. So now my life is a movie? I was always a natural actor. But if this is a story then it'd have to be a lie? I am the writer and I should know. But I don't and doubt I ever will. The issue with the things you create is when they become real. The horrors that lay in my head, once released will surely bring my end. I will not go down like one everyone will take a moment to remember. I will go down like the Cobain and many others.

To Make A Point

After a night like 12/10/10 I'd like you to know that this makes sense to me. <3

I Bid An Apology

Please excuse my absense for I have been busy. I am behind in school and I have been without my computer. Therefore school, blogging and my social life have become limited. Especially with the lose of my phone (may it rest in peace). Anyways I hope to get my computer back as soon as possible and will then update my blog with all I've written over the course of by disapperance.

Something

A song for serenades, another song that I have been avoiding recently. But this song means the world to me. Actually the only way someone could get to my heart besides: a locket, being a musician, saving me, running away with me, or bringing me to the ocean or vice versa.. is to serenade me with this song.

Something in the way she moves,
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.

Somewhere in her smile she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her style that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.

You're asking me will my love grow,
I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around, and it may show,
But I don't know, I don't know.

Something in the way she knows,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she shows me.
I don't want to leave her now.
You know I believe and how.




*I have no right over this song either*

Don't Go

I was raised in the valley, there was shadows and death.
Got out alive but with scars I can't forget.
This kid back in school, subdued and shy.
An orphan and a brother and unseen by most eyes.
I don't know what it was that made a piece of him die,
Took a boy to the forest, slaughtered him with a scythe.
Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.
But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?
They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers 'round my throat.
Is this what I get for the choices that I made?
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything.
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.
Don't go.

(LIGHTS)
If I let you in, you'd just want out.
If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie.
If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up.
If you follow me, you will only get lost.
If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch.
Yes you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.

Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.
Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much.
Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.
Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.

(LIGHTS)
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.


*Obviously I have no rights over this song, but I've been listening to song I've been avoiding recently today*

Let Me Disappear

"Everyone who disappears is said to be seen in San Francisco"

-Lord Henry from the Portrait of Dorian Gray

Dear Body,

Body.. can you please confide in someone with what is wrong with you?