The Paper

once on a yellow piece of paper,
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog.
and that's what it was about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the door
and read it to his aunts
that was the year father tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and let them sing on the bus
that was the year his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
" and the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of x's
and he had to ask his father what the x's meant
and his father always tucked him in at night
and was always there to do it.

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem called "autumn"
because that was the name of the season
snd that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
and the kids told him
that father tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see santa claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him in at night
and got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

once on a piece of paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
called "innocence; a question"
because that was the question about this girl
and that's what is was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
becaue he never showed her
that was the year that father tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of apostle's creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three a.m he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly.

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "absolutely nothing"
because that's what it was really about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on that bathroom door
because he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

This Is Him

At a time this was my best friend. He meant the world to me. He cared a lot about me. We used to always be smiling and happy around one another. He was my first, he surely wasn't my last. I ruined his life, and I am sorry.

This is James Nicholas Roland Fuller, all I can say is he once was my world. Now all we seem to do is argue and fight. He was born on July 1st 1993, and formerly attended H.B. Beal Secondary. His father left his mother when he was a baby and he'll never forgive him for such. He was indeed Jewish. Last I saw him was on New Years and though he hugged me and was kind. He felt as though nothing of our past ever happened. I mentioned something to him about what was sooo special about New Years between me and him and he hadn't remembered. He hadn't remembered November 1st either. I don't think I'll ever be able to reconnect with him if he can't remember those dates and their importance.

I should say more because he was a major step in my life. I should also say how I ruined him.

He was what I thought was my first love. He cared for me and tried to save me from my family. He was the first to hold me when I cried. And he was my boyfriend/friend during some of the hardest things I experienced. Such as when I was bullied, when my school accused me of planning a columbine, when my best friend was stabbed and killed by someone else I knew and cared for, when my sister was in pain due to love, when my mother nearly killed me, when I kicked out our car window, the first time I was taken to hospital because things weren't working right. His existence helped me a lot.

After what was nearly our divorce seeing as we acted like a married couple, and after he was told of what I had done; I ruined him. He filled with hate and pain. I was his first and only love. He wanted to kill himself, he wanted to kill me. He burned nearly everything I ever gave him. His family grew a hate for me because of what I had done. He began to call me cruel words though I deserved every one of them. He was placed into therapy for awhile. When we first met he wanted to be a teacher, a really fucking cool burly teacher. He wanted to live in a forest in a cabin with me; far from the city. He wanted a simple life to indulge in everything we had. Now he wants to be a dj in England in a big busy city; almost as though he wants to forget everything we ever had. One day when I write all the notes saying goodbye to all those I've ever cared for. His will consist of how one of the reasons I must leave is because I had broken someone who meant a lot more then I thought originally.

I Had Forgotten This

I couldn't recall this time for the efforts I made to forget it all. Back when my wrists had few bracelets and nothing to hide. When I engraved JNRF onto my ankle as my first pin poke ever. When we were no longer together but the feelings still there. When he was my friend and still cared. When we would play the synth, and drink pepsi and be fine. When I was a horrible person who never thought about my actions affecting others. When there was only one person I could be bare infront of. When my family was fine. When my sister lived at home. When I still had a desktop computer. Back to the time he had hair and I wanted mine off. When I didn't care how i looked. Before I ever considered wearing makeup. When I was never sick. My body was only 75lbs heavy. When I was only 5'1 feet tall. Back when my best friend was an weed smoking Angel. When my body was still clean of toxins. My organs were fine. My accent was strong. I couldn't differ "my" and "me." When I thought coffee was nasty and drank tea daily. The time I had gourmet ginger snaps from home mailed to me. When Henry Cee still missed me.

Did I forget this because of what the past had done to me? Or did I forget this for what I had done Wrong?

My Art History

In 2008 I had never loved another before. This is the art that I loved then. (MARS-1)

In 2010-2011 I've experienced love and my favorite artist changed. The difference between the years worried me at first but I guess this is what the past shows. I guess this is what I've learned. (Nimit Malavia)

What Was I?

Going through all the pictures I posted through out the years, acknowledging my change and adaptations on the world. Seeing where I've grown and what I've been separated from. Recognizing my past and witnessing the change into what I've become.

Mi Seister

This is her, this is my sister. I don't care what anyone has to say about her. She is the realest of them all. She knows everything though not being the best in school. This girl is going places. If you ever meet her and she says you're cool; write that day on the calendar and cherish your life. There is no one out there like this maggot. She is what she is and she wont give you any bs.

I idolize her, her art is fabulous. Her friends are rare and the greatest people. Her ideas are weird and simple but fantastic and uncommon. Her love is strong and rare. She rarely cares for others but if she does you must take into realization that that person has a meaning.

When we talk and have heart to heart realizations it makes me feel so much better about my life. I don't think many realize the biggest compliment I can receive is when my sister is on my computer, in my room, listening to my music, reading what I've written, or taking recommendations from me and enjoying what she's getting out of it. When I inspire my sister it means the world to me.

Oh and final few fun facts:
We had to have a babysitter for ages because my parents were afraid Maggie would beat me up. So at a time she went to school with our babysitter.
My sister tends to find me hilarious (I can be naturally funny), so she'll try to steal my jokes. Or i'll have events of my life carried on in memory by her telling others of how I can be silly.

^A Taste Of Her Art and Aspect^

The Time Has Done Him Justice

The introduction of one who without him I wouldn't function proper. One who would go to the end of the world in order to save me. There is no doubt that because of him I'm still here, and I hope the same goes for him. He means enough to me to have me want to forever have a sparrow or swallow on my wrist to tie us together no matter what lays between us. No matter how many oceans lay between us he shall forever be one of the closest people to my heart.

Introducing Richard or as I say Rickerz. The boy is fantastic at everything he does, he bikes (clearly he's been at it for ages now) , skates, builds bikes with his popi, draws/designing tattoos, playing instruments and all those things that I adore in people. He to this day sends me parcel's and little things that he know will make me feel a thousand times better. He'd live anywhere I ask knowing if I were to live there with him we'd both be happy as can be. Yeah England may has fallen to shit but its boys like Rickerz who stand strong and keep our England OUR ENGLAND. When Rickerz says something he means it and that's what I love about him. How honest he is to me and how much he cares about me. I hate when people and women mistreat him. He's one of the few people in the world that deserve the best of it.

Though times aged him and made him more aware of how f**ked the world is he just carries on doing what he does. Dreaming of what he's capable of and meeting his aspirations. I don't think I've ever told him this but he inspires me to always keep on trying cause it will eventually all work out the way I wanted it to.

I Blame CoCo

Those strange encounters where you realize this great creature truly exists in the world, knows you and cares about you. The moment where you wake and realize how fantastic people truly exist and just take more effort to find.

This is Chanel (well for short her name lasts a decade), she is my wifey. I automatically clicked with her and wanted her in my life. She is probably one of my most prized possessions and tends to say things that make me melt.
Talking to her makes me hope she'll be one of my friends I have through the waves of time. She is real and worth a lot more to me then people I've been around for years.
YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE HER - I don't need to try to find anyone else like her because I have her, the real deal.
I plan to make her the most special of parcels today in hopes she'll like it.
She's a person I cherish and would fight for if needed.
She is my man and my moon, and i'm sure she'd beat me in a wrestling match.
She makes me laugh and blush and is unbelievably adorable. We should have more of her in the world. We'll more of her concept as I said earlier there is noone else like her.
What makes me so fond of her is how many things we have in common and how many things she can introduce me to.
She also speaks french and its really great.
I'm pretty excited that i'm making her something.... thus this post :$

Golden Season

I can't wait for the summer, I feel I shall hand in my life and become more so of a vegabond. Travel down roads unaware of where they head. Chase trains and never look back. Dive into unknown waters and let them take me where they please.

vážka

Being Me And Who I Am
I really want to honor the women of my family.
I want a tattoo with a meaning.
I want it to sybolize those who pass and the forms they wanted to come back in.
The thought that my father's mother who was religious spoke of coming back as none other then a dragonfly.
The idea accepted by those she loves.
Though I thought once in heaven you must remain there. No exceptions.
I guess she was an exception.

Did He Strip Us Of Our Right?

QUESTION: If God knows our path in life, and has planned our every move... Doesn't that mean our life has no freedom due to we make none of our own decisions? It cannot be an act of free choice if he has already acknowledged what we shall do... right?

Back To The Past

At times I wish we were still in the 90's sure the world's technology has come far and such and i'd love to have my laptop and ipod in my life. But I wish the world still felt as much as an adventure as it was portrayed then.

I want to walk down train tracks with my best friends in search of the truth behind something unknown to us, I want to be in detention in my school library with people I would have never talked to before, I want to be pretty in pink! I want to take my friends on an adventure to find treasure to finish a dream my father had once. I want to fake sick and make my entire town worry for me as I take the city into my own hands and make it my playground. I want to be a fabulous stain. I want to save Kurt from himself, I want Jimi Hendrix to still be a fresh wound. I want to be able to be me and get away with it.

I WANT REAL PEOPLE - UNLIKE WHAT WE'VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO NOW.

Нас не догонят

In Silent Hill there are these children creatures that burn and want to climb on you, rip their tiny hands through your soft subtle skin and corrupt it more then any mass industry could ask for. They'd make you a monster. They'd kill you and make you a monster just like them. The idea of a child, a creature of innocence doing such devilish deeds is a unthinkable thought, right? How can a child who is so delicate do such to someone who has gone through life as rough and cruel as it is presented?

Well you see there's this beast that has been digging her hands into my flesh for the past 3 years. Making me hate, making me cruel and corrupt. Letting my paranoia turn into the fluid Bane is given to make him from a gentle loving man to a creature of destruction. She is killing me, turning me into a creature like her. Though few see the same image of her I see, as though they are still in the world that an unhappy girl created. I hate how I feel I'm fighting for my sanity and life. Trying to avoid her claws digging into me. I want her to let go and I want the world to stop with it's sick ways. I want her to have been some allusion my mind created. But yet everyday when I wake up I re-enter this world where my mind corrupts. Afterwards I turn against those I love. Spitting out hate and being nearly rabid. I don't want to be this wild creature, beaten and scared by man. Raging against those I love all because of the disease, the infection her claws insert into my skin.

I'd prefer if I could live life with her invisible. If anything I would prefer if she ceased to exist.

Death

I want to make a paranoid parrot, this morning I didn't realize I was using a sharpie so I thought....
HOUSE SMELLS LIKE BLEACH
SOMEONES TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

She Moves In Her Own Way

I wish I could be legally be a stripper, the pay seems generally nice and the general scene seems like something to write about.
I feel that it's a job that would encourage me to stay fit, and pay attention to vanity. I feel it'd be a pro to my life. Especially seeing as I generally forget to work out often.
I especially feel prostitution isn't ideal for me.

Get On Your Dancing Shoes

I want to live with a famous sock maker. If there is a such thing as a famous sock maker?
Why of all occupations that I see the heroes of the world to be those that make socks?
I feel if they can make a pair perfect for me I'd be pleased.
A pair of socks that wont irritate my feet,
A pair that will warm them no matter how cold it is.
Sock makers are my heroes, I enjoy all the little things they do.

When I'm Grown

When I'm older I want a fiend club, not a fan club. Fans make me think of polished auto-tuned boy bands. 

                                                                       -Inspired by a Misfits patch

5.45-7am

I woke up earlier today. Not to get a bright and early start on the day. No, besides it's dark and cold out, plus being winter it's never a good day. I woke up earlier in order to check a website to see if my bus is running, it is. Apparently the time I decided to stop waiting for them to update the site is the time they up dated it. What b@astards. I closed my computer and entered the darkness, I scanned for my bed blindly like Frankenstein, I just realized how twisted Frankenstein's plot line is. I cannot casually get over how they had body parts laying around that they desired they'd stitch together and make a human life form out of. You see i'd either feed them to my neighbors or hide them in art. Plus Frankenstein is this big dumb slurred head over heals fire hate'n beastly man. I layed in bed and saw the last digit of my clock....5. Meaning 5.55am, 5 more minutes before I'd need to start getting ready. If my dad were to come telling me it's time to get up during this 5 minutes of me time, I'd point out i get 5 more minutes and try to use that time to enter a time warp and relocate to a better time in my life. If that even exists. Once the alarm went off I felt obligated to make the annoying sound seize. It required a lot more time and thought then expected, I forgot how the clock worked, It made things harder. I slaved on back to the ridge of my bed and walked as my fingers searched for a blackhole that would take me away from this all. With what all I thought last night I deserve it, don't I? I didn't find a blackhole. So I laid in bed just realizing how miserable this all makes me. I'm becoming as miserable as my family. My father came to the door and questioned if I had brushed my teeth last night, I did. He doubted it.He asked if I was awake, I said I clearly am, he asked me to touch the door. I walked over and tapped it wishing I had used this time to throw something at him. The door hopefully would have stopped it though. Gruh, what a miserable day. No blackhole, No delays/cancellations, Not wittiness, No sleep, No memory, No nail polish, No random Apocalypse, No time warp, No Apple juice.

This Hurts

I thought piercing my ears in 2 places wouldn't be that bad.... it is. 2/3 down.

The First Of My Photos

So I am sorry for my absences BUT here's why...
Photo (Pin-Hole) Camera Final Project

See All My Dreams

Ever kinda wanted to go somewhere for no reason? Runaway and tell no one? I've been considering it, and I'm not sure why, I think I just want to stumble into an adventure and write about it. I realized the ocean has no laws. Also if I take a boat to any dock off the ocean there is no border patrol... well to my understanding at least. I believe being an illegal immigrant isn't the term, more like a unknown traveler.

Where In the World..

I really wish that if I eat enough Lucky Charms that something magical will happen. Like suddenly becoming in a real life event like what the Misfits had. Or finding a way into a video game to live there, I could live in Hyrule or where ever Mario seems to go. Or the world of Bomberman. Really any world in a video game would seem to be awesome. Or in films, like fantasy films like Harry Potter, Juno, Scott Pilgrim, Lord of the Rings, Coraline, Matilda, etc. Alrite some of those aren't fantasy, but I'd still like to live there. I wish what all I do in my dreams was 100% capable in reality. Though apparently if you put your mind to anything anything is possible. Well I'll give that a try.

Church

I went to a Roman Catholic Church on new years eve. I didn't hate it. I didn't not like it. I feel bad about it. My spleen started to kill so I felt like I was on fire and dieing, so I thought it was like "they know I'm not like them the buildings rejecting me." But no my body was just expressing that it wasn't happy. I'd go again, I don't know if I'd be invited again. I still feel bad. I talked during church and felt disrespectful. I talk when nervous though and the seeing as I haven't been to church since I was a child and am now in church with the most religious family I know I think I have the right to be nervous. But I love his mum she seemed to acknowledge that this world they have in this building is new and terrifying to me. I think if I were to go again I'd be better and talk less. Especially if I just held Nick's hand, holding his hand and arms made me feel a lot more comfortable and calm. But people talking in sync will forever give me a chill down my spine, large groups talking in sync.... unneeded and unnatural and creepy (in general). It seems like it's a fear of mine.

You Make Me Amazing

He calls me beautiful when I have no makeup on, he loves my body when I see something wrong with it. He knows my expressions and when they mean more then what I say. I am more me then I've ever seen. He makes me want to take him everywhere just to experience the world with him. I'm a fool around him. I dance and talk like a mad man. I get more natural then a vegan nudist. He knows how to do  those little things that make my day. Just him talking to me makes me feel better then anything. I find it crazy that he is mine. I can't believe in 16 days it'll be 5 months. This is the best feeling ever I hope it never ends!

The Way It Just Is

I'd rather be with you and happy then at a party having people try to make reasons for you to dump me.
I would rather hold your hand and look into your eyes then have your hands in my pants.
I like it more when we spend the day talking and when the kisses feel like were little kids that are realizing kissing isn't yucky, rather then arguing with you about things that are pointless to argue over.
I'd rather be with you then any other I've met or dreamed about.
I prefer you over the world.
And because of  you I find it I am becoming a person who is better then those people think I am.
I'm not broken,
I'm not crazy,
I'm not a whore,
I'm not a liar,
I'm not a cheat,
I'm not a sad little girl,
I'm not disturbed nor demonic,
I'm not worthless,
I'm not fake..
I am Claire and I love Nick.

This Is Attractive

I could do this, wear a something like this, show off my body.
I have a confidence,
FINALLY.
Yes I still have those days where I'm like guhh I feel gross, but that just means go shower.
What I like about a confidence is how I feel I can do things.
This week I've got like 18 projects to do, and know what I feel I can do them. I know in english I can tell my teacher that I need to hand them in after the weekend just because my printers out of ink.
I have photos to take in Photography but I'll get through it.
I know my Philosophy homework just involves some films, and me making a graphic novel.
It may take a lot of work.... But I can do it.
Confidence feels great, I don't get why people refuse to have one. There's something great about us all we just have to find it.
And know what?.... I'm capable of a lot. I can go places. I got the brains and heart to get me places. I'm actually an attractive. The fact I know I'm pretty helps me in weird places, like buying clothes and talking to other attractive people.
Confidence helps you everywhere. I can talk how I want to talk because I know my opinion matters to me and I should always voice it. I walk like I'm on top of the world. If anything I am a lot better then a lot of the fucks in London.
I know where I am, I know where I came from, I've got a backbone; boyfriend; great friends; confidence and aspirations.
I'm better then this shitty little City

That Word Means Nothing

I generally get tired of hearing about my sex life from other people. Well by people talking about my sex life I mean I get called a whore by people who know nothing about me. This is where I don't care. I don't care what they've heard or what they've seen of me. They can not judge me based on what I play off cause I carry myself like an entire different person. I don't like their assumptions. I don't have all sorts of males around me cause I've slept with them all. I have all these brilliant incredible guys around me because they are some of my best friends. I have a boyfriend, I have a conscience, I have morals, I have goals, I have no reason to cheat, and if anything I have no need for them to be telling people things about me when they don't even know a single thing about me. A majority of them are older then me and it's sad that they really need to grow up. I'm tired of them calling me a whore and I really don't care that they think I'm one just because I have true friends.

20eleven

These are the first pictures of me I've taken with a webcam as of this NEW year, To be honest I love 'em.
Blue smokey eyes, mouse grey nails, red messy hair, new jean panties on my head. It's the way to start a year of course.

Documentation of a Mark

Thought I'd publish the latest scar of an incident of the heart before another appears.
Thing is I want to stay young not the age I'm at now, I want to be forever in my twenties. I want to be young enough to go to shows and all that but still be one of the oldest there.
I want to be seen shoe less and not get called homeless.
I want to remember where I came from and what I like.
I like K Records and it is a symbol of my youth, let's hope this all keeps.

It's Gonna Hurt

I don't want to admit it, but I am so scared. I keep cool mostly, but I really want him to have his arms around me for this.

The Dream of Body Modification

The yellow dots indicate the locations.

I recently encountered a strange dream, after spending my life with no unnatural holes last July I had my septum pierced. I always have it up so no one can really tell I even have it done. I have also had it up due to how i need to insure its in better shape then it is right now. 

But I had an uncommon dream I saw myself with these three piercings on each ear. The strange bit was how one was a machine that was slowly and safely stretching my ear lobe to the gauge of 00. Then that was followed by two curling down stretched spikes that were jade. What I've come to about this dream is that I clearly was looking at Tibetan Buddhist last night (The documentary 10 Questions for The Dalai Lama). 

Not to mention in folklore earrings mean quarrels, and in dream study it comes up with how I may be needing to listen more carefully or perhaps invest greatly into my appearance. Means an inner treasure has been discovered,  and that this is a new found ambition.
And the Jade means vanity and a bright personality, the Chinese felt jade kept people healthy, and in folklore means fortune gained through hard work.

I can easily apply those meanings to my life currently.
Quarrels - My parents have disowned me, and therefore I see me as the only thing I can change without needing their opinion upon it.

Listening Carefully - I feel I am deaf at times, not to mention I usually hear things wrong. My mind is louder then people would expect.

Investing In Appearance - I am spending time really looking at my self and realizing how simplicity on me seems to work. I feel better when I walk into rooms and past people because I myself feel attractive.

Inner Treasure - I have found my self confidence and it is probably the greatest thing I have ever discovered.
New Found Ambition - I plan to continue to be seen as a bombshell, the confidence is making me happy and making me friends who like so many aspects of me, it's great.

Vanity - Pure vanity leads to the most excellent of confidences and state of mind.

Bright Personality - I am escaping my dark days through my own personal therapy, and it feels amazing. I keep feeling like I'm floating in the ocean and for me that is my nirvana.
Health - I feel scared of getting piercings and having them be infected so the fact my dream used jade stretches made me happy cause it knows I'm scared for my health. 

Hard Work - I have worked hard to get where I am I've taken a lot of sh!t from myself and others and it whipped and beat me into this little "foxy lady." Jimi Hendrix reference (that man is my God).