Achilles Heel

I can't feel the blood rushing through my veins - but I know it does.
I can't feel my heart beating - but I know it does.

It's moments like this when I've cut away and ran away and become anew, that I get figured out and knocked down once again.

I was a man's vision once. He wanted me to be his legacy. To bring back the life to those who were destroyed from the start. No matter how hard I try everyone feels alone behind closed doors and when they scream I just can't hear them. No one feels alive under the city streets, this just opens my eyes to what human life really means. A constant struggle to the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. How can I carry on his legacy and renew the happiness in the streets if the media has me beat?

Telling everyone how to be/look/talk/walk/think/blink/sink/swim/live while feeding them sludge that will only ruin them in every way. Make them depressed and overweight.

This world cannot be saved by one - a revolution is needed and it's a fight for those of the greenest thumb.

The Hunt: Avery

Avery is my lover. I never thought I'd say that - but he is. He is famous throughout female population. He's this beautiful musician. He captures the wild and tames them. He's like an earth angel.

He likes coffee with substancial amounts of sugar and some cream. He lives in the moment. He naturally is spectacular. He plays every instrument and is mind blowing. He's a photographer. He has a camcorder glued to him at all times. He makes everything more beautiful then it truly is.

His mother was the only one truly there for him. His father is a cruel man. He's an only child and he isn't entirely pampered. But I still pamper him.

This creature is my soul, my passion, my heart.

He listens to music that's well before it's time. He writes music and tabs and chords. When he compliments people they know it has a meaning.

I met him through fate and where it's spun me. I thought I was washed up, done - but then he picked me up and carried me away with his sweet tune.

He's my little angel of bliss - I love him unconditionally. He is my sun, and surely my lion tamer.

Character Inspirations

Avery: Pedro the Lion -Magazine
Brinley: In Medias Res - All Fires Swan Lake
Clare: Adele - Rolling in the Deep
Maitland: In Medias Res - Fight Song
Paisley: Ellie Goulding - Lights
Ruby & Ashley: Matt & Kim - Daylight

I get inspired through song.

The Hunt: Maitland

Completely one of a kind, this beast is one of those people your parents warn you about. The Kurt Cobain of us. The party, the trouble maker, the rule contortionist.

Maitland comes from a long line of criminals and twisted people. He's charming to teachers, police, secretaries and all those working for the man. But in an instant turning a middle finger into the peace sign. No matter what anyone says everyone knows Maitland runs it all. He's rebellious and protests against what he feels is wrong. He prefers to stand and sit on tables and yell. He's vulgar and a jokester and  craved.

He talks back and is quite the smartass. He goes on witty banters and on the occasional witless ranter and a few meaningless rambles. He is the only guy in the school with enough balls to be his obnoxious self. He uses sarcasm to attack, and seemingly hide.

Maitland is a well known guy, a prankster of the ages. A kindled spirit. He is assigned a detention daily, but for some reason it almost seems as though his charm is so empowering that he can charm any authority figure.

He gets away with everything and has a ball along the way. He's in control of his own life and has no idea where he's going. Or he has it all planned out. Only he knows.

He drives like a mad man and usually doesn't stop for passengers - You learn to run and jump in. It gets easier as time goes on.

The boy has style and usually is scene smoking a pipe, like an old grandfathers pipe. He seemingly knows everyone/thing. He wins every fight and gets every girl.

He's like the modern day Fonz I guess.

The Hunt: Brinley

That guy, that wallflower that sits in the corner of the class. Always reading, always on top of things. Reliable, selfless, understanding, analyzing, solving. The perfect gift in a rough paper bag package.

Sure he smokes and can get a lil drunk. He may be too quiet at times, but when he talks it has more meaning. He knows the right things to say at the right time. He is this spectacular being who knows everything from the Earth to himself to those around him to the unknown.

Brinley is my best friend one of the boys that for ages has been my on off secret lover. I do love him, forever will. But I just feel he's going to go beyond me one day. He's my writer, my obsession, my artist - he creates those things that have never been done before. Challenges the guidelines, goes beyond what is expected. He's the perfect student, the perfect flaw. He touches one with pure passion and emotion. Moves like a phantom and speaks in warm whispers.

He likes weird drinks that he receives in the mail, the sky, the starry night, group baths, eating pizza and watching films, sharing a bed with 4 other people, being involved, listening, and using windows as doors. He wants to be a vegabond like his family. And he prefers to tell people his parents are dead.

He can do anything once he sets his mind to it. He's everyone's perfect sidekick. Secretly the perfect criminal and no doubt a mastermind. What he's capable is terrifying but at the same time it's like getting a pleasant shock - one so enjoyable you bite your lip and want more. The shock of sexual or artificial pleasure.

Brinley lives on his own, has for ages really. Worked all his life to support himself and to try to save his little sister Lillix. She's exactly like him, these perfect little corrupt parcels. Both beaten physically, verbally and mentally by their parents. Swept away by their dear friends. Lillix was adopted by her aunt who travels. So on occasion he gets a letter from her. Only I can tell when her letters are late. He misses her - like any good brother would.

I constantly imagine what life would be like with Brinley. He was always my hero, always will be my hero. He is my word of wisdom and he constantly tells me what I need to hear. Such as...

"Individually we are one drop. Together we are the ocean."

The Royal We

Physically minuscule with enough hate to poison the world. With dagger in hand we cut through the floor to the soil the floor turns into ash and floats to the ceiling leaving the would on the floor. The soil is black and moist and the impressions of our hands fill with water. We whimper in hatred. We state if they so much as touch you even in the slightest no matter where the walk we will find them, no matter how fast they run we will catch them. No matter where they hide we'll get them. We've gone and done what no ones done before. Cut off all strings to the social and found comfort in the hatred in nature. The nature that wants man kind dead for its filthy treatment it's given us. We will bring in the flesh of those we hate and gain the power of the world. We will revive what they destroyed. The solitude, the hate, the abuse; they never cared for us anyways. We took it all in and became what beast stands here today. When we touch anything bloody hand prints are left a stain. When we walk no sound is made. When we talk we whisper into your soul and rip into you like no other. We are not to be persuaded. We will not pity. Take no prisoners. If we never loved you you don't stand a chance. Prepare yourself. We will give you a day, but once it is finished prepared to be slayed.

Untitled

What's to be done when you want to turn off the sun because it doesn't fit your mood anymore?

What does it mean when music doesn't move you anymore? When you hear right through it as though nothing is playing?

What does it mean when your heart doesn't feel like it anymore? When the beating slows and the love is no more?

When the mind calculates what all you've done wrong to get you where you are and it realizes there will never be a deep enough scar?

What do you do when your eyes don't see anymore because theres no beauty to be seen anymore?

What does it mean when you go to say "I love you" but let out a wailing scream?

When life loses meaning and becomes a waste of time?

I believe my heart monitor shall soon hit flat line.

Not Worth Being A Child

I'm negative cause I'm just not happy. Theres things that run through my head that really stink and i can't tell people about them cause i'd get judged. My one friend knows about it and I tell him because he doesn't criticize me. I know I should be telling you, Trudy, Josh, mum or dad, or Nick. But really if its just a phase then its not worth having you all treat me like a child over.

To My Sister

It gets hard to be able to jack your attitude and positivity when I have soo many places of negativity coming in from soo many directions that it blocks out a majority of my memory of how you act. Like I try to remember how you deal with people you don't like that don't like you. But I can't. I want to be more like you I just need you to advise me. Like a "How-To Be Maggie in Situations" book is needed.

Multiple Mes

I wish I had multiple personalities. The reason is that I want to have it so that when I write, create, or am in the middle of being this 'artist' I am because then I'd have so many different tones in my pieces. Like sure I'm not always making the same story in different tones and medias, but to my work there is surrealism, hate, love, sickness, fear, anger, death, pain, loneliness, and innocence. Perhaps I could have the personality of Toyah Willcox, George Harrison, Marilyn Monroe, Katarzyna Pollok, Audrey Hepburn, etc. I want to experience re-becoming Claire and seeing this piece and just being outstanding by what my hands made while i wasn't there.

The Hunt: Ruby and Ashley

This is the couple that's going places. Their relationship is almost entirely based on their music. The two are this collaboration band. They have 2 other members from out of town who are almost like props to the band. Ruby sings and plays the bass. Ashley sings and plays either the guitar or piano, though he can play every instrument you hand him. They're like Bob Dylan and Joan Baez. Ruby and Ashley have such rustic tones and sing of love, pain, emotion, traveling, and life in general. They're like an upbeat Nirvana in acoustic winds. Their band is called "The Full Frontal." I feel it has to do with their openness to their sexualities. At times the two hint at having certain parties, ones from the 60's or 80's where keys were gathered in a bowl, colored lipsticks handed out, mystery drinks mixed, and partners were swapped. But are far too jealous to ever do such. When the two are apart Ruby lays around writing songs for them to sing together, Ashley lays in bed holding his red fired guitar as though it is Ruby. He draws their album covers or creates them from photos he has taken with his Polaroid.
Ashley is a gentleman and was raised to be perfect. He was raised by his mother for his father left knowing he was not enough of a man to raise a son at the age of 17. His mum works in a local restaurant as a waitress and has for 18 years now. She had Ashley when she was 16 and her grandmother who owns the restaurant put her to work so she could feed her son. Ashley has a lot going for him and in my opinion he is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Anyone who meets him should feel blessed for being in his presence. His mother recently had a baby girl and her name is  He has sandlewood colored hair, and soft hazel eyes. His family is Belgian and has the sweetest of accents, and we often tease Ashley over his love of waffles seeing as it's a Belgian stereotype. He loves coffee and I wish I could wake up in a home with him daily just for him to make me a pot of this gold. One of my favorite things about Ashley is his love of words, their humor, their meaning. They just fascinate him.
Ruby is Ruby. She's 18 She was raised by a bland man who works in a business that doesn't make a difference, in a little cubicle that has simple things. His life at work is portrayed to be so dull, lifeless and beige. But once her father leaves work he is not this dull man. He is this loving father who reads his children adventures no matter their ages. She likes tea from foreign lands. And wants to travel to South America to build schools and homes. She loves Bob Dylan, the Beatles and Jimi Hendrix. She wants to be the Jimi Hendrix of the bass.. if that makes any sense. Ruby has three younger siblings her younger brother Tedy who is 16 and is the ideal troublemaker pirate boy, her 11 year old brother River who is no doubt the sweetest little bug ever  created - he'll make any girl happy one day, and then the princess known as Abby whose only 3 years old and has more style then anyone I know. Their mother is distant. She's not entirely there as some claim. So her Nana is her female role model. Ruby is blessed to have Ashley and she knows it.

Success

i remember a certain someone who wished me dead, told people im scum they should never talk to, etc

- funny thing is she goes around saying peace and karma

aint no peace there

but bitch you aint armed to fight karma

The Hunt: Paisley

Paisley is simple, raised by hippies, bathed in the juices of the sun. She is this creation of sweet words, loving stares, kind gestures, and art. She is quiet but smiles and laughs like the sun. I know for fact that every morning at sunrise she stands outside in the sun and absorbs the rays. Apparently if she doesn't then she becomes depressed. In this case we are glad she lives for the sun. She listens to acoustic music and she's a feminist. Her favorite colour is peach and she claims she could live in my bathroom. Her lips are pink, eyes are green and her hair is long and looks like the sun had put a certain romance in it. She loves lemonade and summer is her favorite season. She has 2 younger sisters who idolize her, and often open a lemonade stand that is well known. She wants to be a kinder garden teacher.

The Hunt

Today was an typical day in what I see as my typical life. I woke up, started the coffee and began to get ready for my day. In my little 90's dream bathroom its peach glow tints my body with golden hues as I dress my face in layers of cover up, foundation, and powders: realizing where the phrase "powdering my nose" comes from. I stand looking into the mirror at the markings on my face that wont hide, called beauty marks; speckles; sun kisses; freckles. I apply my eyeliner and mascara and lipstick and realize by painting over what my parents have given me gives them more reason to hate me. As I sat on the counter coffee in hand leaning my head against the screen of the window as the breeze ventured in I thought: "Why does something feel so strange?" Unable to answer this feeling I sat waiting for my friends to arrive and carpool with me to school. As their mothers car screeched into my laneway I saw the familiar faces that made me feel the day had begun. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door pushing open the screen door and shaking my hair out of my face I began towards the car door. After throwing my bag in and climbing over Brinley, Maitland our chauffeur turned to me and stuck out his hand and said "Oh deer gypsy tell me what you see." They're always teasing me about this, but in honesty they've all asked me to tell them their fortune. I leaned my head onto Brinley's shoulder and smiled as Paisley, Maitland, and Brinley conversed in their typical ways. As I felt at ease in the backseat I remembered that I can drive, maybe not entirely legally. But I can drive. Everything about today was just another day. After getting to our dimly lit school the four of us walked to our enclosed hallway where our friends lockers all happened to be located. This wasn't by chance, Maitland has his connections with the custodians at our school. Maitland has connections to everyone and everything. Eventually hearing "Clare" called I realized that I had been in a daze and walked past my beloved Avery. Turning and seeing Ashley and Ruby standing behind Avery our circle had been completed. Before I continue I may need to introduce them all, this circle is important to my story....

Mr.Montreal

This beautiful majestic beast is Paul Nicolantonakis. He is no doubt one of the biggest influences in my life. Like I go to him for everything. He knows sooo much about me. He's so important to me that I'm getting a tattoo in honor of him to be able to walk around with his birthdate on my ankle and feel like he's always with me. Because he is in a sense. His voice is my conscience... which is a tad worrisome at times but really quite comforting.

He is my conscience really. He looks out for me like one. I think one of my favorite things is how I go to him for approval of things. What he approves I do, usually if someone tells me their opinion I do the opposite. But not for him.

I constantly tell others if they want me to cooperate then they must enforce Paul on their side. Cause really the only way sh!ts gonna get done is if he tells me to.

He's been my best friend for 2-3 years now, and well it feels like I've known him my entire life. I remember numerous occasions where I just needed someone to be there for me, and the thing is since having him I have that someone. That may sound romantic but it's not meant to be. I don't think me and Paul are capable of being lovers. I know his love life too well to know I could never replace her. And he knows mine too well and knows things and reasonings I don't even know of why it wouldn't work. He's no doubt my brother from another mother. He means the world to me and I would fight to the death for him.

He is my Mercutio to my Romeo.

In general the first conversation we had took place online, on vampirefreaks. That may annoy people at how cool me and him were but there was magic to this. I was scrolling through people online and then it was like BOOM this fellow. I starred at his picture and was drawn to it, ignoring others surrounding it I was so focused. I opened his profile and read his personal description. I automatically felt like this person I can trust with soo much of my life. Then I messaged him the most random of introductions and in no time at all we were adding each other's emails and were closer then neighbors (who like one another).

After knowing him for a while it wasn't hard to feel his good being spewing over the top of his structure and all over you. In my opinion he is god like. He is one of the few people out there who will truthfully care for anyone. He's one of the few that can smell the stench of those who are not real.

In conclusion this fellow is my life and will forever be a huge part of me and I love him and all he does and all the random sh!t he wants to do. I love him for his fangs, tongue skills, and knowledge of soo many things I need him for. I love him for how he agrees when I b!tch and how he supports what I say when no one else does. I love my pirate king with all my broken heart. <3  

24 Hours Apart

This is an image from when we were 3 years old. It's me and my cousin being the ring bearer and flower girl for my cousin Tammy's first or second marriage. Once more I'm going to go on about how important this boy is in my life. I doubt anyone else is as close as me and my cousin. I seriously mean we're close like we are only 24 hours apart in age. He's the older, wiser, taller one. I'm the short intelligent artistic one. We're both musicians. We both love piercings, tattoos, drugs, and are passionate. We both love reading. We have this emotional mental bond to one another.

When I was little this boy was one of the few fellows to mean something to me. We'd play fight and wrestle and bully each other out of just the most blunt form of love. I remember at family reunions where we'd play in the hammocks, when he chased me with a wet rolled up towel because I was teasing him about how his bleach blonde hair changed green due to the chlorine. I remember hugging him when sad and seeing him at funerals and leaning on him for comfort.

I often compare our love to music. I love the Sex Pistols and Brandon to me resembles Sid Vicious a lot. The way they act, talk, their opinions and dreams and aspirations, how passionate they are, how they sing. It worries me at times, I just don't want some woman to be the death of him.
Then there's me who is always put in comparison to Kurt Cobain a love of Brandy's. It's like I know a lot about Sid so I see Brandon as Sid, and Brandy knows a lot about Kurt and sees me as him.

Nowadays I love having Brandon back in my life. We have this tie to one another and when something happens its like this string vibrates and tells us that somethings wrong. So it makes me soo happy to know that  when some guy hurts his cousin Brandon will show up with his brutes and take care of it for me. He's inboxed people threatening to never touch me again. Some may say that him doing that is so unnecessary. But his cousin is a small female whose oblivious to danger, I think he has the right to be over protective.

Anyways in the case of Brandon and I bloods thicker then water - But we're thicker then molasses.

The Only Way

I watched Requiem For A Dream today. I've seen it before during my large Jared Leto addiction in life (Mainly due to his deliciousness in My So Called Life). I realized how much I connected to the film. Seeing as how sad it is the fact I can relate to it just made it A LOT more sad. In conclusion I realized if this world that I have comes crashing down I'll go out and do what I feel.

I'll go get angel bites, and my bridge pierced. All the tattoos I want:
Eyes Wide Open on my shoulder/chest area.

 The CoCo Chanel Logo and possibly and Infinity Symbol on my ankle - matching to my friend Chanel's we planned a friendship tattoo,
My best friend Paul's birthday on my right ankle - once again a friendship tattoo,
touch ups on all my home tattoos (crescent moon (my planet), 5 hearts on my wrist (they also have to do with my first love but if I add 2 more its in reference to my obsession with the 7 seas), and the two triangles on my hips (one means water, one means air - reference to the ocean, and not to mention within every human is water and air), and the k records logo on my arm (symbolizing how I never want to lose what ideas I had in my youth, I never want to lose my honesty like others)
Something across my pelvis between my triangles - I dream one day someone will serenade me with this song seeing as it means a lot to me,
the Blackhole Sun on my left ankle - my first true love is a Leo his planet is the sun,
Multi-Coloured Arms ripping through my skin on my left ribcage reaching for either a drop of water, feather or syringe - generally meaning I want to escape
A Faded Union Jack on my lower back - in reference to my love falling to shit and what all i love fading away
...
I can name off enough to fill my blog with one post so I'll say the rest some other time.

Anyways I feel that my escape of things would be to become one of those people you'd find in requiem for a dream, or thirteen, and trainspotting. It may be the only way to cope.

11.11

I keep getting completely out of my mind and feeling that there's nothing good in the world. But with the past two days i've realized that there's a reason I am still here and then I keep wishing for this to last forever for I can't imagine a life without days like those. I can't wait for summer so that I can make my way to those days and not fear the weather will do me in.